Jokes pt 2

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes, but we haven’t got a gig yet.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?” I said, “Well, I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I went to the doctors the other day and said “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said “Did you get my drift?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. I still can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris.” He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

A recruiter once told me that when he gets a pile of CVs to sort through, he splits the pile in half and bins one of those new piles. I asked him why he did this, and he said it’s because he doesn’t want to hire anyone unlucky.

I had a dream I was Chinese. When I woke up, I was disoriented.

If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!